Welcome friend, to the ancient, dishonourable and slightly demented brotherhood of the Hash. For those who have not yet been initated in warmer climes, a brief history of the Hash plus the objectives thereof follow.
Since we'll be in endless trouble with the law anyway for littering public places, obcenity, drunkeness etc., it is not recommended that this initial litrary masterpiece be submitted either to the Indecent Publications Tribunal or for the 1976 Katherine Mansfield Award.
The first thing any aspiring Hashman should understand is that it is NOT COMPETITIVE repeat NOT COMPETITIVE repeat NOT COMPETITIVE.
The only thing you have to watch is that the other greedy bastards will finish the beer if you're too slow, so don't underdo it either!
The purpose is to get away from your Monday hangover by going for a bit of a jog after work that evening - and imbibing some replacement, fresh poison.
Speaking of myself, I have always had a far worse hangover on Tuesday than Monday in Kuala Lumpur, but I suppose that's by the way.
The course of the run is a gentle jog up 30 degree inclines, through rivers, down cliffs, through undergrowth bent double etc., broken into short(?) stretches by breaks in the paper trail - known as checks.
The purpose is to wear out the fit, fast bastards at the front (they find the continuation of the trail) while us normal mortals chatch up, recover our breath, vomit, have a piss, and then on on!
Homilies on how to set a run, and more paricularly how not to set a run will follow in the weeks ahead.
After the run comes the point in the whole bloody exercise - sinking she suds and indulgence in social intercourse with one's foul-smelling, talking, singing Hashmen.
Why, you will ask, does one have to undergo such misery for a beer?
A short obscene history lesson thus renders itself necessary. Anything which involves suffering before (over) indulgence smacks of the Poms - and so it is with the H.H.H. It all started with a low living bunch of colonials in Malaysia (then Malaya) before the Second World War. The true Hashman is still a low living sod. To quote C.H. Lee.
"The Hash House Harriers were founded in a moment of post-prandial inspiration at the Selangor Club Chambers, about 1937/38 by the inmates, who included myself, E.J. Galvin, Malay Mail, H.M. Doig and A.S. Gispert of Evatt & Co. Gispert was the real founder - a man of great wit and charm, who was killed on Singapore Island in February 1942 whilst serving with the Argylls, having only just returned from leave in Australia to rejoin the Volunteers. I am glad of this opportunity to salute his memory. He was a splendid fellow, and would be happy to know the Harriers are still going strong, and are as merry and bright as ever - or more so. Gispert was not an athlete, and stress was laid as much on the subsequent refreshment etc. as on the pure and austere running.
The name was a mock allusion to the institution that housed an fed us. We prided ourselves on being rather disorganised - or the minimum organisation sufficed. The original joint masters were myself and 'Horse' Thompson, still running somewhere - a past master at short-cuts and the conservation of energy.
We started up again after the War due to Torch Bennet who discovered a Bank Balance and put in a claim for War Damage on one tin bath, and two dozen mugs, and possibly two old bags (not members). We started by a small run in reduced circumstances round the race-course - then the horses were not much better.
The Emergency cramped our style but did not diminish our activities, and we were even called in for information on various by-ways in Selangor, but our period of usefulness to M15 was brief, and our information probably otiose. But the hares ran into two bandits at Cheras, who were later copped."
From these solid roots the HASH consolidated and later spread, slowly at first then later at a cracking pace. Expansion started when the Singapore HHH was founded by ex-Kuala Lumpur members in 1962, and thereafter the cult spread rapidly, some eighteen further being formed in West and East Malaysia and Australia in the next few years. Some like Sibu and Miri flourished only briefly and even Sandakan and Malaka went out of action for a time, but some thirty-two Hashes now exchange more or less weekly circluars. Hashing finally took root in the land of its founding fathers with the formation of Longmoor Hash in 1970. Others are as far spread as Cyprus and South Korea; the first branch in Africa was formed in Durban in late 1971, and the first in Americas in Washington six months later.
It's rumored that there's a Hash in Auckland but on the grounds that we will be in touch with the founding HHH in K.L., we, in cavalier fashion, fitting of all good Hashmen, will declare ourselves Enzed's first genuine HHH. (That should serve to further the rift between Auckland and Wellington).
To get back to Wellington HHH. Our modest opening run will be held in the Berhampore Mt. Victoria area, commencing 11.00am, Sunday, February 15th, and thereafter on Monday evenings as advised by means to be advised! Starting point will be the car park on Alexandra Road (Constable St - Mt. Victoria summit) just above the fire station at the intersection of Constable & Alexandra. Look for the hare's car, Burgundy Hillman Avenger with vinyl top (HZ 6971). It is suggested that members change at home, but bring a change of clothes, towel, drinking utensil and money. At this stage is looks like the charge for a normal run will be $1.00, which covers liquid refreshments (up to a reasonable point) stationary and postage. However the opening run will be a little more since in addition to the normal, the Defence Dept., facilities at Fort Dorset, Seatoun, are being made available for showers, nosh, further liquid refreshments etc. etc. and even etc.
Remember, to fend off wives, families, mother-in-law etc., the inaugural run only is on a Sunday. Thereafter we will revert to the time-honoured Monday evening, 6.30pm, proud in the knowledge that we will be the earliest hash in the world to run each week (winter details still to be finalised.)
For the first few runs we'll make it pay-as-you-run. After membership has settled down it will be placed on a proper subscription basis, payable quarterly in advance (how else will we pay for the booze?) T-shirts will be available shortly - both inaugural run (only those on the run will be eligible for these) and normal. Sizes avaliable will be as usual for the HHH - too big or too small. All have special beer absorbing fabric in case you're dying of thirst in the course of the run.
And finally, your steering (if that's an appropriate word!) commitee:
On Sec (and really the original troublemaker/instigator) - Brett Beastie - short in the arse, runs like the wind (cheating bastard that he is).
Joint Masters - John Mills (the only K.L. Hashman who was taller lying down, which he did frequently) and Peter Tremayne.
Hash Cash - (watch for the postcard from Bermuda!)
Hash Deserter - David Innes (being too weak and punty to run against Wellington winds, he's going to live in Auckland).
ON! ON!